spaghetti and meatballs

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Gosh, how to order my thoughts? 

My mind feels like spaghetti and meatballs. 

I have a lot to consider at the moment. And a lot to tell. 
Some developments I just cannot share at the moment, although I am itching to – we have made some decisions which cannot be official yet. I can’t say more than that now. But there are lots of things WHIZZING around in my mind. We have a plan of action now and after I have braved a scary conversation I will divulge further.
I gotta put a sock in it.
In other news, AW and I are better acquainted with our daughters after sharing the contents of their stomachs in glorious detail. Co-sleeping with twins never was so good as with a double dose of tummy trouble. I don’t think I need to describe the scene- I’ll leave it to your imagination. 
I started driving lessons and I am really happy with how it is going. If I wrote here that I have not yet stalled the engine, it will of course cease to be true the very next time I sit in the car. However, at this time it is true. This is my fourth bout of lessons so I ought to know what I’m doing at this stage. I hope SO much that this leads to a pass. 
The thyroid stuff.. Well I got hormones to take and they will scan my neck again in jun to see if it is smaller. On Wednesday I will find out if I’m hyper or hypo. Joy.
Still having a kind of crisis of confidence regarding the girls’ crying and needy behaviour. I’m now concerned that in some way we have been unintentionally inconsistent. Why do both of them feel such a huge desire to be carried so much of the time to feel secure? 
Despite the stress levels caused by this and that, I am still every day thankful for all the very wonderful things in my life. I have two beautiful, strong and clever daughters. And a truly amazing partner. I live in PRAGUE! Lots of greatness! 
xxx

Prague romance

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Loads to update you with, but as is often the case, I’m sinking really exhausted into bed, far too late.

We are not 100% in this house this night: Ivy gave us her first projectile in vomit form. And several further afterwards. But it has been a great break, aside from this and the Thyroid bombshell: great friends, some beautiful sunshine and a beautiful city.

More to come!
Sleep tight xx

‘Diffusion’ and a node.

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For god’s sake! Just got back from drs and I have some kind of thyroid problem. I am completely floored. I thought I looked after myself, I feel healthy, but perhaps, yeah a but hyperactive.

It is just another thing I don’t know whether I can deal with.

I have to deal with it. At least it is manageable. I have had a fat neck forever. I actually said that to my new Dr, when she referred me. I never expected I would get this result today.
Both sides are swollen, and there are nodes. No one knows what it means till I get results in a few hours or days.

I think we are going home. I can’t be here.

Two’s a crowd?

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Despite having made some yummy gingerbread this weekend, I have to say I have lately been feeling something akin to despair fairly regularly. I mean, regarding the girls. They just… Wind each other up, wind us up. It is constant. One, or both are ceaselessly hanging off me, crying to be carried, fighting over the same one toy or piece of food out of a houseful…

By the end of a bad day, I never remember what specifically made me feel so… Desperate. When I express this AW points out two things: that she deals with this every day and that we aren’t doing something wrong to make them scream and wail like banshees. This is just what happens, partly because there are two of them, she says.

I do worry though.

We have made choices to be a close, ‘attached’ family. I stand by those choices, but I read that attachment parenting creates children who cry less. Our two do not do that. I wonder whether I will ever feel that I’s propensity for screaming is not due to O’s breastfeeding, and her not; O being worn and her not (she just wouldn’t! She always screamed blue murder!). Now she wants to but I only have one back.

We try so hard to show both of them that we love them equally. But I loves to run over and pluck away the toy O had just picked up. She also has been hitting O for ages. Now O has finally begun to retaliate. They are accordingly at each other sooooo much of the time. We try to address it without anger or raised voices, but sometimes it feels like it is a constant battle and I/ we have no idea what to do.

Maybe it is only because they are not feeling well at the moment?

Ugh.

Twin mamas, any insight? Words of comfort?

Happy valentines?

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Whilst I do want my political beliefs to be evident in my blog if you look for them, I dont’ want them stuck right at the top for very long, so I am moving on swiftly.

As well as being Saint Valentine’s Day, today was the first day of the half term holiday (technically that is actually on Monday, but I don’t know a single teacher who views things that way ;) ). It used to be a “hooray!” day. Ok, so it still is. I don’t have to set my alarm and I can use my time as I choose. What’s that you say? Ohhhh, yeah. Twins.

In fact, although I didn’t leave the house, today was just EXHAUSTING. (How does Amazing AW deal with them all the time?)

the girls have been going to playgroup and it is really exciting to see them coping with the new environment and with all the other children and strange adults. It is the weirdest feeling, being a parent. I don’t know if you, reader, are also a parent, but aside from the obvious feelings of love, do you experience a wild roller coaster of emotions (partly brought n by the tiredness)? I don’t know if it is that we are attachment parenting, or that it is twins, or both.. or if all new parents feel similarly? Is it just the characters of our girls: super-strong emotional responses?

What do you feel, mamas?

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