Little and large

Ugh
And yay
All jumbled up together.

Firstly, thanks so much for all your congratulations – I’m sorry I haven’t replied. It could take a while. I wanted to put in a post about what’s going on here while the big twin is sleeping.

Biggo is just gorgeous and a delight. The only source of stress regarding her is her reluctance to take my nipple as currrently it’s still empty. I did manage to express this morning 10cc, so it is on its way. I had to pump pretty hard though and the milk was sent down to SCBU where Smalls still is. I’m so excited for the moment when she first tastes it – it’s one of the reasons we have decided to stay on at the hospital an extra night.

It’s a very weird feeling to have this wonderful bundle of robust cuteness to hold, care for and smell, and to know her twin is unhappy, unfamiliar and locked away with the drs downstairs. It sort of curtails your feelings. You want to adore Biggo with all your heart, and you do- but her twin is missing, and we know nothing about her except that she cries lustily and can’t eat.

It makes me frightened of loving Biggo too much and then creating a difficult and unfair situation into which to eventually bring Smalls. I don’t feel an attachment to Smalls yet. That’s why, though we have taken loads of photos of Biggo, we don’t want to share so many. It feels like a betrayal of Smalls. It isn’t the whole picture.

All the stuff I have read is very clear about how premature / small babies need to feel their mother’s skin and smell. That’s not the prevailing view here, at least not in this hospital. The treatment here is very very good and not expensive, but there are very strict rules; one is that the SCU is only open for visitors between 2 and 4 pm. And even that does not allow you inside- you have to look through the window..! SCU don’t allow photos, of course. A very good friend of mine pointed out that there are several positive sides to this hospital’s way: 1) she is unlikely catch an infection; 2) she is under careful supervision and close to a doctor at all times; 3) the staff are free to do their jobs for the fragile lives in their care without having to endure an endless stream of terrified parents. This friend’s sister had an early baby in the UK who was ready to come home twice but succumbed to infection (due to all the permitted visitors), and only came back the third time he was strong enough.

Smalls looks so different to Biggo and when I watch through the glass at her crying and crying, with a drip line in to feed her, it is heartbreaking. That’s why having some of my own milk to give her felt so good. I find myself thinking ugly thoughts, which make me ashamed- I wonder to myself if there is something developmentally wrong with her, which made her small in the womb and will continue to cause her problems. Is it awful to ask yourself those kinds of questions? We need to get to know each other. AW and I have accepted now that when we go home (probably on Christmas day tomo), that Smalls will be staying here. It could be for a week, or up to a month. I do think, from her lusty cries at birth and in the SCU, that she is a determined little thing, and she will fight to be with her mummies and her sister as soon as possible.

We have been assured that no news from SCU is good news. They were testing her for various conditions yesterday and so when the phone in our room went this morning, my heart jumped into my mouth thinking that they had found something. Thankfully it was just the nurse on our floor calling to say they wanted Biggo back for a check having spent her first night in with us.

Biggo is very good- she sleeps a LOT at the moment and is easily sated with milk.

Ah. Such is life’s rich tapestry. That’s where we’re at. I have to say that the staff here are very good. My AW is just unbelievable. She is helping me to be strong for our babies, and her strength, love and tenderness never cease to amaze me.

Love to all.
Xxx

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5 thoughts on “Little and large

  1. Ugh and yay for sure. Our girl was in the NICU while our boy was with me, and even though we could visit I had a hard time getting there because I was in so much pain and so exhausted. I can definitely say my relationship with our girl suffered because of it (doesn’t help she has a hard time latching so nursing her is irritating as hell, especially in relation to the boy).

    I wish there was a way to visit her. Also, would they let you bring some clothes for her? I found I felt more of a connection to baby girl when I saw her in clothes I picked out vs the hospital jackets. Or maybe your own swaddle or something.

    Keep doing what you’re doing and good luck!

  2. I’m confident that when you see Smalls, you won’t love her any less. It’s harder cos she isn’t there with you, but when you are able to finally hold her, smell her, feed her it will all be fine.

    Do just ensure you catch up on the photo taking with Smalls when you can…as a second child I hated my older sibling having twice as many baby photos as me!!

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